Stay?

You hurt me
You lied 
You cheated
I cried
You ask me to stay
But I don't really know why
I begged
And I pleaded
But you went out and cheated
And lied to my face 
Even as I lay there defeated
I gave you my all
But it wasn't good enough
Not for you anyway
Because when it got hard and got tough
You decided to leave
And based it on other stuff
When you could've just said 
I want out 
That's enough
But you played with my mind
You tore my heart up
But you want me to stay 
And I'm like man what the fuck?
Do you want me to stay for
To wait on your luck
To run out in the streets
And they lock your ass up
AGAIN *sigh*
And you blow my phone up
With false promises and I love you's
But that's not ebenou
For me to stay
So I wish you good luck
Just free me from
The hands of your clutch
You'll never find another
Who did just as much
As I did to save you
But you could give a 
Fuck -----less *sigh*
It's just part of the game
When they tell you I love you 
Your my one and only 
"My Main"
But that's just prison talk when they're going insane
And they need someone there to talk to and claim
It was a hard lesson to learn
And I'll never be the same
But I went through it so you didn't have to 
Go through the pain
So just be sure the love is real 
When you decide to take his name

💗clw

Betrayal

The guilt of betrayal
makes you want to
scream and yell
it seems to be
the thing to do
when you are going through hell

Its a hard pill to swallow
once you are betrayed
the love has weakened
the trust has been broken
and the relationship strayed

But its important
to never give up
not on hope
not on love
not on God
not on luck

And it’s very important
to not give up on you
you are not the blame
and you shouldn’t choose to
carry that burden of guilt
on your shoulder
when all you were doing
was being a woman
looking for her spouse to hold her

But instead he chose to
find comfort in the streets
to a home
to a another family
to a woman
to another soft pair of sheets

That weren’t yours

But it’s ok queen
hold your head
you will get through

Trust in God
and have faith
and he’ll show you what to do

For after all
you are his child
and he knows whats best for you
and what you see as betrayal
is a loophole that God is trying to give you

To save you from something
that can take your life in the end
when you find out the person
who he betrayed you with
was in fact your best friend
who had her own man
but just couldn’t stand
to see a smile on your face
when things were going great
she envied what you had
and wanted a taste
and seeing them
could have caused you to possibly catch a case
and that wouldn’t be good
especially for your kids sake

God knows all things my dear sister
and he will never fail
so just think about it
when you are faced with betrayal

mrs. clw

I Confess

(written last Wednesday)

Today was one of revelation. It was a moment in time where I had to take a step back outside of myself and realize I was going about my situation the wrong way. I had to sit myself down and make an honest confession to myself that maybe I had not totally let go of my marriage from my children’s father. I came to the realization knowing that Wednesday would have been my 4 year anniversary if the marriage lasted. It was the day I bound not only myself but him to a life that would become pure hell. It was over before it started. I remember him being high as hell as we were going through the process. I remember the clerk asking him if he really wanted to do this and with a nod of his head he agreed. But i should of caught it then his approach to marriage the nonchalant attitude. But i didn’t and that is a story for another day. All i know is we got married at the courthouse came home had sex and he went back to his mistress the same night.

So fast forward we are in the process of figuring this life out separately. Its always this time of year that we would have big blow ups. Usually about his mistress playing on my phone at all times of night reminding me how he only married me to be around his daughter and each and every time i would allow her to have the power to control my emotions to cast this spirit of hate to take place in my heart. to fall into a deep depression because as much as i wanted to punch that bitch in her muthafuckin face all i could hear was my mom’s voice in the background saying trouble is easy to get into but hard to get out of and i lived in agony because i was tired of being the punching bag like damn i wanted her to leave me the hell alone.

But it never failed always between the end of December and early February. and this year was no different. it started with me needing to watch the kids because i had to work and my family was not wanting to watch them because it was the day after Christmas and you know everyone likes to shop i digress. anyway the last time they had been with him and the girl was back in June and that didn’t go over so well so we had a they cant go over there rule because you can say what you want to say about me but i’l be damned if you treat my kids so kind of way because you don’t like me. But i digress that was June.

Fast forward to yesterday. Asked him would he keep the kids and he say keep the kids at my house? I said yeah and then he said the girl would bring him to get the kids knowing how i feel about her but for the sake of an argument i said OK. He gets them they spend the day and come back the next day. While there i get a text can the kids go to Orlando with us? Mind you he doesn’t support his kids financially he doesn’t even call them. But now you want to take them to Orlando. hmm OK. Instead of mentioning those things to him and having a war with words or be looked at as a bitter ex wife I asked are y’all gonna be gone for the day? no answer… Call… no answer…

Then i get a text “they all fell asleep” this took me to a place and not necessarily a good one but i took control of the situation. I asked if she is the one texting. She took to long to respond so i just so how long y’all going for? and we conversed over text like two civilized women. This has only happened 3 occasions in the 4 years they have been dating or better yet since the day she stole my man  lmao. Its funny now but back then not so much. I digress. And she asked if they could come I said if you promise to watch over my babies and she assured me that she would make sure their dad was right by their side and then she shocked the shit outta me. She said and I wont leave his side either. And then she went on to say that she would make sure my kids had everything they needed.

And i was able to breath a sigh of relief because just a few years ago she was the same women that said she didn’t give a fuck about my kids so today was definitely a step in the right direction. It turns out they are going the day of our failed marriage anniversary and first thought was she was trying to be funny again because i how know she is and the games she plays. But instead of playing the game i took control and looked at it as an opportunity to let go the past. let go of all the the hurt and pain that comes along with this day. To finally free me and him and our kids from the sins of their father to let this day be remembered for something. the day i finally held my head up and took my control back of the situation and i did the unthinkable something that wowed him the girl my kids and myself and i said yes the children can go… i finally said YES and meant it

Excuse my grammar errors(in a hurry)

Love clw

Daily Word Post/ Percussive

Percussive

As I sit here in complete agony

Just praying for those sounds to go away from me

The constant drumming inside  my head

Oh! those  percussive sounds I surely do dread!

Sometimes it last minutes

Other time hours

They aren’t cured with a pill

or even a hot shower.

So i try to sleep it off

to make it go away

and they do  for a while

only to return another day

UGGGGGGHHHHH Migraines are the worst 😦

 

Side Effects of You Pt 1

2 Timothy 1:7 and Psalms 91 were just some of the scriptures I had written on my bathroom mirror. Why there you would say? Because that is where I would cry to avoid showing my tear streaked face to my daughter. She was 4 at the time and didn’t know the words, just knew when ever she would ask that she would get the same answer. These scriptures are the only things making mommy OK, but realistically mommy wasn’t OK mommy was going crazy on the edge of a nervous breakdown .

No make up could hide the eyes that had cried so many tears because once again he was not home. Once again no calls were being answered. Once again I was being betrayed by the one I chose to love. You see some of us feel the side effects of a drug either pills weed powder or by shooting up. But I felt my effect from a different drug. My drug came in the form of a 6’1 chocolate brother with an infectious smile and dreads. He had eyes that pierced through my soul, the talk that captured my heart but eventually took over my mind. I was obsessed engulfed in his every being what was he doing, who was he doing it with his every move I wanted to know. That is how addicted I was. I needed a hit of him everyday and when I didn’t get it I would go through withdrawals.

Sitting at work 1 call and he didn’t answer and I would get fidgety. 2 calls still no answer and now my mouth is salivating . 3 calls straight to voice mail and now I have to go home sick because my heart is pounding my mind is racing because I can’t reach him. It must be another bitch again I say as I’m speeding on the way to the house. But I don’t want to park the car in the front of the house no I’ll park at my cousin’s house around the corner and I’ll walk home because I’m destined to walk in on some shit that is gonna destroy me him or us.

So i ease there calling and calling and still no answer. Finally I get home and to my surprise he isn’t there. No look of foul play in the house so I’m alone again because my mind was so addicted to catching something and nothing is there because he’s made his way to the back to do his dirt there .He has decided to give me a little respect now that he decides he wont bring them home anymore but that is the act of a sick woman an addicted woman a woman that has been hurt so bad she has lost all respect for herself. She’s strung out bad for the need to know, that its hard for her to realize who she is anymore. She trapped. She’s looking for a way out and wants help. She has one foot out the door and the other in the pond of he will change one day. Its hard but you gotta let go because when you stand in front of the mirror looking in there is a 4 year little girl standing there looking at you.
“The side effects of you”

Addiction is real
even without a pill

It can consume your life
and sometimes it kills

It comes in all forms
sometimes bright shiny and new

Or maybe a little dull
just whatever suits you

My drug was a man
and boy was I hooked

I needed that hit
no matter what it took

Sometimes it made me happy
most times it made me sad

It took a lot of people away from me
almost took the sanity I had

I was writing on bathroom walls
to keep myself sane

I was scared to ask for help
didn’t think God would hear if I started praying

But someone stood in the gap
to fight for my life

Because they knew this spirit that was upon me
just didn’t seem right

And i’m grateful for all those
that prayed and even talked about me

Because without the help from all of you
I wouldn’t have been able to see

That my life was worth worth living
and my daughter needed me

So i just want to tell the Lord thanks
for saving and setting me free

Love clw

Getting my feet wet

So its pretty late and I can feel my eyes closing but I can’t stop thinking about all the positive feedback I have been getting from so many. I truly appreciate all the support. I wanted to take this a little further because there are so many ladies that feel they are alone and I wanted to let them know that myself and other sisters are standing united with them and that even though you got this we as fellow pws have you. So I created these T shirts tonight and I hope everyone enjoys them. They can be found at https://teespring.com/you-are-not-alone-october-2017. Please tell a friend to tell a friend because no one should ever feel that they are alone.

Love clw

(by the way thats what the back looks like :))

“Sometimes you Have to Take a Step Back to Make a Step Forward Together”

This road we are on can be a tough road, and definitely a lonely one when no support is around. And sometimes the pressure gets the best of us where we want to quit, to give up, to walk away. And honestly no one can blame you for doing so. It gets hard the funny looks, the judgment passed on you as if you were the one that committed the crime. The tough decisions you have to make like wanting to do nice things for yourself but knowing he needs that package ordered before the 27th.

Choosing to give up your freedoms like hanging out and doing girl things because of his insecurities. The constant need to always be strong because he shouldn’t detect that something is wrong because he has enough going on to keep his mind occupied and you don’t want to put that on him. Having to wear the bearer of bad news hat when family and friends promise they gon do stuff like send money and letters and they don’t. Or having to act like you calling these people just so he will know you are being submissive. But the worst is, if he has kids and his babymomma keeps the kids away because you two are involved. And that shit starts to mess with your mental having you to think in the back of your mind like what the hell did i get myself into?

So then you have to weigh the the pros and cons and if the good outweighs the bad you continue. But there are some times where the bad out weighs the good that is when you have to seek God and if he tells you its time to go you go. I had to walk away from Cody 3 times and I didn’t know if i was coming back. I left because i needed to be sure and that I could commit myself and be loyal again to someone in the inside, to put myself in the eyes of people of making the same mistake twice. To submit my kids to the prison letters, the calls and visits. To wait for the unknown and be ready to accept if it doesn’t work again.

I had to take the time to search my heart for answers my mind for motives and I realized I couldn’t live my life with regrets. I couldn’t help who I loved and I wasn’t going to live my life for others to avoid conflicts. I was going to do me and what made me happy and that was to stay and know when the world turns its back on me that if God is for us who can be against us?

I walked away to get some peace
to think things through
to be at ease

I walked away to find whats best
to clear my mind
and get things off my chest

I walked away because I was unsure
I wanted it to be real
Our love to be pure

I walked away because
I didnt want to be played again
to be sold a fairy tale dream
by someone i called my man

After talking to God
he gave me his peace
he gave me shoulder
so i could release

And to cast all my worries upon him
that i wore on my face
to give me the things i needed
which were his mercy and grace

He let me know then
not everyone is the same
even though they were both there
they didn’t play the same game

That my heart he had healed
so I could move one
from the pain and the hurt
that I held for so long

So on March 10th I vowed to stay
to never turn my back
to never stray
and to never ever again choose to walk away

Love clw

The Ring

The thing you look at each day. It comes in many forms. Some have gold some have silver some have platinum or even a tattoo. Never the less it’s the symbol that lets you know that you are his and he is yours.
How many of you remember when that ring was placed there upon your left hand? I bet we all do and we vowed to never take it off at least I did.
Well last night I took my ring off before bed and the next morning I MISPLACED IT. OMG the horror I felt when I could not locate it. I couldn’t remember if I lost it in my room or if I threw it in the trash because the morning was so trying. My son wouldn’t stop whining, my daughter was complaining that she didn’t like the outfit I took her out for school. I was literally over it. Morning ruined lol!
It consumed my whole day. When I got home from work I was in the trash like a mad man. I put my gloves on and went through every piece of stinky trash that was in the garbage. I was a woman on a mission.
At last I was at the bottom which was great but it brought me defeat because it was not in there. I feel myself giving up. Trying to think of an excuse to tell him when I saw him again.
To explain why I had taken off my ring in the first place. I knew he would be hurt but hell I would be to. I just couldn’t find it I didn’t know what to do. But as I was doing socks from the laundry I moved my basket. And there sat my ring waiting be put back on my finger. I slipped it on and vowed to never take it off again.

I lost that thing
that meant everything
I searched and searched
but nothing changed
I was trying to make excuses
isn’t that a shame
But how could I tell him I lost my ring?
💜clw

If I don’t Make it Home Tonite

A phrase that is often iterated when you have a loved one out there in the streets. Because it’s always a chance that they won’t make it home due to their lifestyle.
You look him in the face and say “don’t say that” with a look of hurt because you don’t ever want that phone call. Either from a medical facility asking you to come and identify the body or that first free phone call from your man saying they’ve been locked up.
Even though those are gut wrenching calls Thank God your call was the latter. Jail you can come home from. Death on the other hand is definite. But I believe the worst call that is short of death is the call to say they are or have shipped him off to prison.
County is cool but prison is a whole other monster. Most men are shipped so far away making it hard for their families to see them and that’s the worst. When he is sentenced you feel like you are too. Your heart immediately breaks and your life instantly changes. All because he didn’t come home tonight.

I’m trying to be
a strong and supportive wife.
I’m trying to maintain
and hold down the perfect life.
I’m trying to keep the family together
I’m trying to make it right.
I’m trying not to hate you
to not have so much strife
I’m trying to make you understand
You definitely changed my life
By leaving me with a kiss goodbye
And not making it back home tonite.
💜clw

Lose to Win

Good evening. It’s Monday and it’s back to the work week. This week started off rough, kids were lat to school and I was almost an hour late to work(losing).
While making some time up this evening the song by Fantasia came on “lose to win” and I knew this would be the topic of today(winning).
How many of us have had to lose and never thought they would win again? I know I have before becoming a pw the first time. I was a young woman with goals and aspirations to be a lawyer but my first husband got locked up sentenced to 6 years. I was on my own with a new baby. Jaliah was 7 months at the time. I wanted to go to law school and find a great job because I was fresh outta college BS in Criminal Justice and he told me no school right now.
That they meaning him and my daughter needed me to find a job not a career so I went to work in the medical field. In hopes that I could just be there and make sure they were straight and when he came home I would be able to go back and try law school or relocate so I could find a better job in my field.
4 years and 8 months and God answered my prayers he was coming home early(winning). But that person that went in wasn’t the same person that came out and the marriage did not last(losing). And I gave up.
I became depressed because of the promises he made that we’re now broken. I guess some would say young and dumb but I was young and in love.
But my current handsome face was there waiting in the midst. Allowing me to make my mistakes and learn life lessons so I would be prepared to handle the life he was trying to offer me. He’s in prison u may say but that man motivates the hell out of me.
It was because he stressed school I went back and about to take my board test in January. It was because he knew my story and felt other women would appreciate hearing it that I wrote. He inspired me to do the blog, create the sight and spread the word. And I’m so thankful for him. My friend first my love and my inspiration (winning 🙌🙌🙌)

Just when you think you are at the end
And you can’t begin again.
Just dust yourself off sisters
Sometimes you have to take a loss to win again
💜clw