(written last Wednesday)
Today was one of revelation. It was a moment in time where I had to take a step back outside of myself and realize I was going about my situation the wrong way. I had to sit myself down and make an honest confession to myself that maybe I had not totally let go of my marriage from my children’s father. I came to the realization knowing that Wednesday would have been my 4 year anniversary if the marriage lasted. It was the day I bound not only myself but him to a life that would become pure hell. It was over before it started. I remember him being high as hell as we were going through the process. I remember the clerk asking him if he really wanted to do this and with a nod of his head he agreed. But i should of caught it then his approach to marriage the nonchalant attitude. But i didn’t and that is a story for another day. All i know is we got married at the courthouse came home had sex and he went back to his mistress the same night.
So fast forward we are in the process of figuring this life out separately. Its always this time of year that we would have big blow ups. Usually about his mistress playing on my phone at all times of night reminding me how he only married me to be around his daughter and each and every time i would allow her to have the power to control my emotions to cast this spirit of hate to take place in my heart. to fall into a deep depression because as much as i wanted to punch that bitch in her muthafuckin face all i could hear was my mom’s voice in the background saying trouble is easy to get into but hard to get out of and i lived in agony because i was tired of being the punching bag like damn i wanted her to leave me the hell alone.
But it never failed always between the end of December and early February. and this year was no different. it started with me needing to watch the kids because i had to work and my family was not wanting to watch them because it was the day after Christmas and you know everyone likes to shop i digress. anyway the last time they had been with him and the girl was back in June and that didn’t go over so well so we had a they cant go over there rule because you can say what you want to say about me but i’l be damned if you treat my kids so kind of way because you don’t like me. But i digress that was June.
Fast forward to yesterday. Asked him would he keep the kids and he say keep the kids at my house? I said yeah and then he said the girl would bring him to get the kids knowing how i feel about her but for the sake of an argument i said OK. He gets them they spend the day and come back the next day. While there i get a text can the kids go to Orlando with us? Mind you he doesn’t support his kids financially he doesn’t even call them. But now you want to take them to Orlando. hmm OK. Instead of mentioning those things to him and having a war with words or be looked at as a bitter ex wife I asked are y’all gonna be gone for the day? no answer… Call… no answer…
Then i get a text “they all fell asleep” this took me to a place and not necessarily a good one but i took control of the situation. I asked if she is the one texting. She took to long to respond so i just so how long y’all going for? and we conversed over text like two civilized women. This has only happened 3 occasions in the 4 years they have been dating or better yet since the day she stole my man lmao. Its funny now but back then not so much. I digress. And she asked if they could come I said if you promise to watch over my babies and she assured me that she would make sure their dad was right by their side and then she shocked the shit outta me. She said and I wont leave his side either. And then she went on to say that she would make sure my kids had everything they needed.
And i was able to breath a sigh of relief because just a few years ago she was the same women that said she didn’t give a fuck about my kids so today was definitely a step in the right direction. It turns out they are going the day of our failed marriage anniversary and first thought was she was trying to be funny again because i how know she is and the games she plays. But instead of playing the game i took control and looked at it as an opportunity to let go the past. let go of all the the hurt and pain that comes along with this day. To finally free me and him and our kids from the sins of their father to let this day be remembered for something. the day i finally held my head up and took my control back of the situation and i did the unthinkable something that wowed him the girl my kids and myself and i said yes the children can go… i finally said YES and meant it
Excuse my grammar errors(in a hurry)
Love clw
You Are Not Alone 