2 Timothy 1:7 and Psalms 91 were just some of the scriptures I had written on my bathroom mirror. Why there you would say? Because that is where I would cry to avoid showing my tear streaked face to my daughter. She was 4 at the time and didn’t know the words, just knew when ever she would ask that she would get the same answer. These scriptures are the only things making mommy OK, but realistically mommy wasn’t OK mommy was going crazy on the edge of a nervous breakdown .
No make up could hide the eyes that had cried so many tears because once again he was not home. Once again no calls were being answered. Once again I was being betrayed by the one I chose to love. You see some of us feel the side effects of a drug either pills weed powder or by shooting up. But I felt my effect from a different drug. My drug came in the form of a 6’1 chocolate brother with an infectious smile and dreads. He had eyes that pierced through my soul, the talk that captured my heart but eventually took over my mind. I was obsessed engulfed in his every being what was he doing, who was he doing it with his every move I wanted to know. That is how addicted I was. I needed a hit of him everyday and when I didn’t get it I would go through withdrawals.
Sitting at work 1 call and he didn’t answer and I would get fidgety. 2 calls still no answer and now my mouth is salivating . 3 calls straight to voice mail and now I have to go home sick because my heart is pounding my mind is racing because I can’t reach him. It must be another bitch again I say as I’m speeding on the way to the house. But I don’t want to park the car in the front of the house no I’ll park at my cousin’s house around the corner and I’ll walk home because I’m destined to walk in on some shit that is gonna destroy me him or us.
So i ease there calling and calling and still no answer. Finally I get home and to my surprise he isn’t there. No look of foul play in the house so I’m alone again because my mind was so addicted to catching something and nothing is there because he’s made his way to the back to do his dirt there .He has decided to give me a little respect now that he decides he wont bring them home anymore but that is the act of a sick woman an addicted woman a woman that has been hurt so bad she has lost all respect for herself. She’s strung out bad for the need to know, that its hard for her to realize who she is anymore. She trapped. She’s looking for a way out and wants help. She has one foot out the door and the other in the pond of he will change one day. Its hard but you gotta let go because when you stand in front of the mirror looking in there is a 4 year little girl standing there looking at you.
“The side effects of you”
Addiction is real
even without a pill
It can consume your life
and sometimes it kills
It comes in all forms
sometimes bright shiny and new
Or maybe a little dull
just whatever suits you
My drug was a man
and boy was I hooked
I needed that hit
no matter what it took
Sometimes it made me happy
most times it made me sad
It took a lot of people away from me
almost took the sanity I had
I was writing on bathroom walls
to keep myself sane
I was scared to ask for help
didn’t think God would hear if I started praying
But someone stood in the gap
to fight for my life
Because they knew this spirit that was upon me
just didn’t seem right
And i’m grateful for all those
that prayed and even talked about me
Because without the help from all of you
I wouldn’t have been able to see
That my life was worth worth living
and my daughter needed me
So i just want to tell the Lord thanks
for saving and setting me free
Love clw
You Are Not Alone 